don’t talk.

today, i went to help set up for a banquet with hordes of people i don’t really know.  when that happens, i frown a lot.  i want to smile, but when i smile i feel like i’m smiling  at no one, and i feel silly.  why is that?  i’m working on fighting off lies i believe–like that i’m inadequate or flawed or that relationships will be disappointing–but i just wonder…how am i supposed to be?  i hate it when awkward people walk up and insert themselves into conversations, or try to assume a level of closeness that isn’t there.  i have an aversion to being perceived that way.

makes me think of a study i was reading last night for a freelance writing project.  kids get a “stamp” from their parents, a working model of how to relate to people in future relationships.  my mom is all about relationships and closeness and authentic attachment. still, the working model i saw (that, ultimately, didn’t work at all) was a family that had a frequent current of underground tension, two parents that didn’t seem to like each other much most of the time, and a dad who didn’t seem to have many relational needs.  i was in college by the time it started dawning on me that there are some men who actually talk. i just thought dads were silent.

so how does that play in to me not talking now?  i haven’t followed all the numbers to connect all the dots yet.  but i’m working on it.  at least i’m starting to see that the dots are there.