February 10, 2008 § 1 Comment
i can’t seem to sleep past 8 these days. even though i’m up til 12:30 or 1:00 every night, i feel like i’m missing something if i wake up with the sun shining in my eyes and still stay in bed.
yesterday morning, i got up, got ready for our 10 o’clock dodgeball game, and went to the prayer room. i walked in and justin rizzo started prophesying. i just sat there and soaked for a while…
but this morning, i just came to the coffee shop. i don’t really feel like calling anyone. i’m actually hoping no one i know comes in and wants to sit with me. but i just feel a little stale. we’re all about to head into the prayer room for a couple of hours, and then later we have “family groups” for the first time, and then after that we have church, then more prayer room. somewhere in there i need to go to the grocery store. mostly, i don’t want a new family group in a new home with new people to get to know. [honestly, i'm sure i'll love it, but on this side of it] i just want my own family and my own home.
it’s hard to believe i’ve been here a month. sometimes it feels like i’ve been here a lifetime. and then i look up and feel like i just got here. it’s a rollercoaster. the other night in the prayer room, i couldn’t stop smiling, feeling so loved and pursued by Jesus. but that was right after a couple of hours of feeling as confused as i’ve ever felt in my life. through it all, i truly feel Him transforming my heart. bit by bit by bitty bit.
i wanna be found faithful
i wanna be found steady
i wanna be found faithful
to the end
i wanna live before Your eyes
i wanna stay before Your gaze
just keep me steady here
February 1, 2008 § Leave a Comment
I remember when I accused Him in my heart. I was sitting in a religion class, and my professor started asking us why God would tell the children of Israel to kill off whole tribes of human beings. I couldn’t come up with an answer. I wanted to. I wanted a neat little explanation. But instead I just reduced Him to being less compassionate than me, less merciful than He should be.
We got our work assignments today. Every Friday for the rest of the internship I will be transcripting Dave Sliker’s “Old Testament Survey” class he teaches at the Forerunner School of Ministry. Since I’ve been here, God has been gently (He proves Himself so gentle over and over) sloughing off the layers of self-comfort I have used to cover up the offense in my heart. I’ve begun to realize where I don’t trust God and where I believe He’s actually angry pretty much all the time.
Sitting at Higher Grounds, the coffee shop next door to the prayer room, I began listening to Dave talking about the dichotomous God in the modern church, who was a booming, raging God pre-Cross and is now an effeminate, meek God of grace. We read the parts of the Word that feel okay. But is there a place we can wrestle through where God is consistent? It’s so incredibly fuzzy in my mind, but when I put on the glasses of the bridal paradigm, I can stop squinting. He’s jealous. I’m still not sure why He had to kill off the women and children of the Amalekites, but I’m starting to open my heart back up to trust Him. I’m so thankful that He gave me such a random work assignment to move my heart! He’s jealous for me.
He’s so surprising. I can never figure out what He’s going to do. “Consistent in His nature, but unpredictable in His ways” [Graham Cook]. I’m so intrigued. Hungry, dissatisfied, in pain, even kicking and screaming a lot of the time, but on the way…