Filed under: Uncategorized
today, i went to help set up for a banquet with hordes of people i don’t really know. when that happens, i frown a lot. i want to smile, but when i smile i feel like i’m smiling at no one, and i feel silly. why is that? i’m working on fighting off lies i believe–like that i’m inadequate or flawed or that relationships will be disappointing–but i just wonder…how am i supposed to be? i hate it when awkward people walk up and insert themselves into conversations, or try to assume a level of closeness that isn’t there. i have an aversion to being perceived that way.
makes me think of a study i was reading last night for a freelance writing project. kids get a “stamp” from their parents, a working model of how to relate to people in future relationships. my mom is all about relationships and closeness and authentic attachment. still, the working model i saw (that, ultimately, didn’t work at all) was a family that had a frequent current of underground tension, two parents that didn’t seem to like each other much most of the time, and a dad who didn’t seem to have many relational needs. i was in college by the time it started dawning on me that there are some men who actually talk. i just thought dads were silent.
so how does that play in to me not talking now? i haven’t followed all the numbers to connect all the dots yet. but i’m working on it. at least i’m starting to see that the dots are there.
Filed under: Uncategorized
last night, i got home from Young Life Crud War and was a total mess…dog food in my hair, shaving cream remnants in the corners of my eyes, flour caking my clothes, and lake water dripping on my bathroom floor. but i was so thrilled to have just been with people under 50 and over 10 for a while. my life lately has consisted of fellow teachers who are all lovely people but are mostly middle-aged moms and my students who are precious…but not friend material. so it was crazy to, having said yes to volunteering with Young Life, find myself sitting at Sonic with a crowd of teenagers and other volunteers in my stage of life, just included in an almost instant community without having to prove myself. the hardest thing i had to do was wipe shaving cream out of my eye.
why have i run from community? seriously. i’ve run from it. i’ve blamed a lot of things for why i haven’t plugged in to fellowship in the past year and a half. what’s that? you want to know what i’ve blamed? shoot. okay:
- they won’t like me.
- i won’t like them.
- they’re not like IHOP.
- they’re too much like IHOP.
- they’re too far from where i am.
- they’re close enough, but i don’t know if i’m going to be in this area for much longer.
- i think there’s something better out there.
That last one is my main one. I’m always on the lookout for something better.
But today, I really felt the Lord calling me on the fact that I haven’t been submitted to any human being for a good while now. I have really resisted doing anything that anyone else tells me to do and I’ve considered it my right to do my own thing. Let me just spare you that mistake now, if you’re considering doing that: DON’T. You’re not doing yourself any favors. Trust me. I just feel kind of like I’ve looked at multiple offers of blank, signed checks over the last couple of years and said, “No, thanks. I think I’ll go try to make my own five bucks an hour.”
Not smart. Don’t do it. I am asking God to help me never do it again.
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find me! @farmlove on Twitter and at farmlove.etsy.com for my Etsy shop. no inventory yet, but i promise it’s coming. stay tuned.
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http://civileats.com/2008/12/12/the-quest-to-be-an-organic-farmer/
The above link will lead you to a vitamin-rich, toothsome essay about why someone like me would want to farm. I love farmers.
thegreenhorns.wordpress.com
THAT ^ link will lead you to the coolest thing going on in cinema right now. Be warned before you click: you may suddenly become obsessed with a deep desire to become a farmer. Okay, now go!
Filed under: Uncategorized
So much to do today I can hardly breathe! Somebody call halt. And yet, when I look at everything I “have” to do after work, it’s all my choice and an effort to have a FULL life. Which part do I want to cut? None of it. The baking could go. I could skip my coffee date, or my run to Garden Ridge for Christmas packaging (to mail the treat I made for my dad). But it’s all the little things that combine themselves into something that ends up as “the holidays.” January 2 will come, and it will be over, and we’ll take the tree down and pour out the eggnog (well…maybe not). It’s busy, but it’s worth it.
Right?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: abortion, election, isaiah 59, life, prayer, the Church
I really, really did not expect to feel this way. I’ve felt almost removed from the whole election process, even though I’ve prayed a lot for it (just goes to show, praying knits your heart to something more than you might think). But I’ve just thought, I belong to a different Kingdom. God will use whoever sits in that oval office.
But today, I feel really concerned. I feel mad at the American people and how loudly they have spoken in favor of the shedding of innocent blood. That is scary. Scary to me.
I know that in this hour, the Church is going to shine like never before, because the darkness is probably going to be gloomier than we’ve seen. It’s our glory to display His shining, colorful holiness.
And in the midst, I keep plugging along, helping doctors get insurance, organizing meetings, chasing deadlines, and experimenting with tofu. It’s days like this that make me long for Jesus’ return.
Filed under: i love farming. | Tags: farming, garden, life, reality, rhythms, soil, the ten virgins
Here’s why, in the words of Gene Logsdon in his book The Contrary Farmer:
The garden is the only practical way for urban societies to come in close contact with the basic realities of life….To feel the searing heat as well as the comforting warmth of the sun, or to endure the dry wind as well as the soothing breeze; to pray for rain but not too much rain; to long for a spate of dry weather but not too long; to listen to the music of nature as well as the rock beat of human culture; to know that life depends on eating and being eaten; to accept the decay of death as the only way to achieve the resurrection of life…these are all part of an education that the industrial world hungers for but cannot name.
i do hunger for reality. and for roots. i want to buy a little place far away from the Grid, and buy nothing but oil.
Filed under: a portal. | Tags: beauty, camping, joy, krause springs, neighbors, self-discovery
Let’s talk about camping. I went this weekend. It lit up my soul. But I came to some realizations about myself and how I’ve changed over the past…while.
Here’s how I used to see myself as a camper:
- Light-packer. If it’s not absolutely necessary, it doesn’t come with me to the wild.
- Do-it-myself-er. Thanks for coming everyone, but I’ve got this. I will find a good spot, eat my Clif Bar for dinner, choose the best hiking trails, and make sure I accomplish everything that needs to happen to allow me to have plenty of stories at the end.
- “Camping is not about rest”-er. If we’re not doing the hardest hike in the area, then it must mean we’re slackers. Why would you NOT want to see the parts of this park that not many people (i.e., slackers) get to see because it’s too hard to get there? Stay up late, soaking up smoke around the fire, and get up early to make sure we don’t miss any of the sunrise.
- Loner. Neighbors are a nuisance. End of story.
So I’ve changed a little bit since whenever. I went to Krause (say the ‘e’–like krauw-zy) Springs, about 30 minutes west of Austin, this weekend with my roommate, Mary, and her brother John. Here’s what I’ve turned into, for better or worse:
- Cover-all-the-bases-er. I brought my work out stuff in case I got a chance, some nice clothes in case I couldn’t go home before I needed to look decent, a change of camping clothes, some books, and, yes, I did bring make-up. Can you even believe it. (For your information, I used everything except the change of camping clothes.)
- Grateful receiver. I got there after work and Mary and John had set up the tents, strung a hammock between two trees, put out three chairs for us, and packed a rockin’ ice chest, complete with ready-to-go hobo dinners (which Mary had spent the day slicing and seasoning…after she cleaned our apartment to a state of spotless beauty), s’mores fixings, pears, cookies, and chips and salsa. No, I’m not kidding you. And they built the fire while I watched. I did light the match.
- Slacker. We took one walk down to a magical waterfall. The rest of the time, we sat around the campfire and flapped our jaws. Gloriously. It felt so good. We just…enjoyed. I think I missed out on the majority of Krause Springs, but, honestly, I don’t even care.
- Neighbor. To the most amazing dads-and-sons foursome next to us, who happened to be ISRAELI. The boys, Itay (pronounced E-tie) and Jonathan, were five, and they were the most precious friends I’ve made in a while. I sat there in my camp chair while the prowled around “looking for danger” (their words, not mine). We saw a coon, which I watched from my camp chair while they freaked out, until they saw it “scamper away” (again, a direct quote). They were so thrilled just to be out, even though Itay admitted he was tired and his “shoulder was the tiredest.” Poor little guy.
Enchanted Rock is next on our list of places to go. I’ll probably hike a little more then. But only if there’s plenty of time afterward to enjoy the fire that someone else builds.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: chicken, coconut, crock pot, easy cooking, food, recipes
I made fab chicken yesterday. And it was too easy not to share. Here’s what I did:
- Put 4 bone-in chicken breasts, rubbed with garlic-cilantro salt, in the Crock Pot.
- Added three enormous garlic cloves, mashed.
- Threw in a lime, sliced in half.
- Poured on some rum and coconut milk (like 1/3 cup each, maybe more of the milk).
- Left it on HI for about 5 hours, then LO for an hour when I got home from work.
It was so yummy and juicy! Try it!
Let me preface this by saying that it has been a hard week. That’s all I’ll say on that. Or is it? Can you relate to feeling caught between a rock and hard place who are both crying out for you to make them happy? And can you relate to feeling that every drop of glamour, excitement, and idealism has drained out of your life? Can you relate to hating bureaucracy and getting paid to wade through it with no shore in sight…not even a sand bar.
Well, I had a better day. I sort of got some breakthrough today, even. And as I was walking to take the trash out after my run, I felt absolutely exhilarated (thank You, Lord, for endorphins). I started to think about things I love about my life:
- I am never in a hurry anymore. Want to have coffee with me? I’ll give you my whole evening.
- I can run without feeling competitive, driven, or guilty (for not going farther/faster). I just run for fun.
- The glorious people who care for me and I for them. It means more than I ever thought it could for someone to hear me and take it to heart and tell me their hearts in a way that shows trust.
- Sitting on my couch in the morning with the most incredible Man Who takes care of me and speaks life to my soul and goes with me to my office every day.
- The emails that appear in my inbox every couple of weeks from someone I so love being friends with.
- The gentle rhythms of my days and weeks, like the waves. If I let them, they get monotonous. But if I look beyond them, into the deep ways of the Mastermind, they are so beautiful.
